Forgot to Remember
by JArchetype
Summary: After leaving the Jedi Order and having her memories of the Temple, Anakin, and all her training erased, Ahsoka questions her sanity when an overwhelming force disturbance sends her into a fit of hysteria.


_A long time ago in a galaxy far,_

 _far away…_

 _Order 66 is being carried out_

 _and_

 _former Padawan Ahsoka Tano_

 _must deal with the emotional turmoil_

 _brought on through the force_

 _after having her memory wiped_

 _by the Jedi Order._

 _With no memory of the Jedi Temple_

 _nor any recollection_

 _of her affinity to the Force_

 _she ponders the possibility of having gone mad_

 _and reflects on the direction_

 _her life has taken since_

 _her arrival on Shili._

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Ahsoka Screamed.

Her voice was high, pained, eery ,and full of horror. Broken sobs could be heard throughout her tiny flat. She was almost entirely sure the neighbors would have heard her by now, yet she was to

the point of not giving a damn.

"AHHHHHHHHHHRGGGGHH!" It happened again.

Throughout the day it had kept happening. Waves of immense pain flooding her system. If it had been that simple, she would have simply pulled herself together and found the nearest medical

station, however, that would have been too convenient. The agony she was experiencing was unlike any other she had ever felt. The physical select was bad. Migraines tore through her head like an

unstoppable wraith of pain. She had been suffering bouts of nausea and cold sweats, but what really shocked her was the emotional pain. A pain deeper then the physical that was not so easy to mend.

A pain she would have to ask herself if was actually real or if she was indeed mad. Spasm of fear, anger, hurt all tore at her emotions. At first it began as a mild head ache int the morning. Nothing too

terrible to worry about and she had continued her daily rituals as usual. Closer to the evening her head began to feel heavy and a skull splitting migraine developed, by the time night rolled around every

fiber of her being seemed to be crying out in gut wrenching pain.

"Ahhhshsh….. BANTHA FODDER!" She cried as the pain continued intensified.

Ahsoka desperately searched for anything to numb the pain. Pills, a hot bath, tea, a cool rag. Nothing seemed to ease this onslaught of emotional and physical turmoil. The worst part about it all,

was that she didn't know what it was. She could not recall ever begin ill like this before. The flu or basic virus she had come in contact with, but as a hole she was a remarkably healthy individual. She

never missed work, hadn't had a sick day for over a year, exercised regularly, and was the epitome of health. However, all that she was feeling now could not be attributed to lack of bodily care.

The emotions gripped at her throat stilling her breathing and causing cold shivers to rack over her small frame. She sat curled in the corner or her bedroom punching walls, kicking the bedpost,

scratching at her skin and gripping her head. The turmoil was unbelievable, and she didn't understand it. A part of her feared insanity, but nothing within her mind could begin to comprehend what had

brought it one. Perhaps madness like the cold and the dark crept in slowly. Like when the sun sets or winter arrives. Ahsoka had always felt in the back of her mind she knew something was missing,

and worst of all she felt it was hidden in plain sight. Perhaps it was this. Had she known all along whew as insane she might have saved herself the trouble of this breakdown. Might have saved herself

the pain.

"AhhhhRRRGhhh….make it stttTTOOPPP!….." She begged to the open air.

Soon all the pain began to die. stab after stab would fall away till her mind became a dark empty abyss that only echoed her thoughts. Although, she could swear she heard crying, pleading even,

yet there was always this unrelenting force that seemed to barrel through it all till the scalene finally fell. She couldn't describe it. Even though the pain had died away an eery numbness had settled in,

as if she were left in a large, dark, and empty room. It frightened her to the point where she would rather the pain return then be left alone in this darkness.

Ahsoka coughed, then sniffed standing to her feet using the wall for support. it was almost like being sick or injured. Her body felt as if it were run through a wringer and her mind fried.

Ahsoka would be the first to admit, being a Togruta was one thing, yet acting like one was another. There were gaps in her memory, this much she new. She recalled being taken away when she

was three, but no one seemed to know where to, or if they did they did, they were unlikely to tell her. How is it possibly to disappear for over half your life, and remember nothing. No faces, places,

names, experiences. It was all one momentous blank. Had she been kidnapped and experimented on in Coruscant? Did some black market underworld group drug her and tarnish her memory? Had

she escaped indentured servitude and forced herself to forget it all due to the mental trauma. She would constantly question herself and her fellow Togrutans often would speculate. However, there

would always be rumors of the sort, and Ahsoka paid little attention to them. There was a small part of her that was almost unsurprised at her horrific episode. For someone like her with such a strange

life, and a strange life that she couldn't even remember. She had only began to re-assimulate back into Togrutan culture and casually drifted through this half life. At this point, only seemed normal to

experience the abnormal.

In the midst of it all, all she felt now was grief, but it was slowly fading away and little by little she began to feel like her usually self. It was like smoke being cleared from a room and the first inhales

of clear air are being taken. Yet, there was one last tick in her mind. A door, or, at least what had 'felt' like a door. The clicks of what sounded like footsteps echoed from the other side. It was like being in

an old home that you knew well. So well you knew every crack, crevis, and sound and how or who it was being made.

 _'Snips.'_

Had she heard a voice? She brushed it off. A trick of the mind. Exhaustion racked her body and mind as she crawled back into her bed and pulled the covers over her head. Her head tails twitched

at the outside noises bellow her bedroom window. The sound of farmers carting home for the night and livestock being corralled. A chilling thought gripped Ahsoka as she lay curled in a cozy ball of

fabric. None of this stimuli, the sounds of Shili at night, the smells, the feel of the air. It wasn't familiar. None of it could be found in the memory of her body or the recesses of her brain. However, her

hellish nightmare of a day, the unseen turmoil battling throughout her body, and the way her very being had been taken in hand by some outer force.

 _That._

That, to her horror, felt normal. As if she were no stranger to it. What had her life become, that nothing in her life thus far, except that horrific experience, could move her. A strangled whimper or

was it a laugh escaped her lips. Perhaps she had gone insane? Either way, if she had, she doubted she would remember.


End file.
